Lie

I’m not an addict, no, that’s a lie
But hey, sometimes I like to get high, get what’s mine, get a piece of the pie
Cause the world’s a rough place sometimes, it’s do or die
Don’t be judgmental, you’re nothing to me
No one that I need, to watch me pee in a cup, end up in the dump
I’m no chump

I just like to get high

But I know my limits, yeah, I know when it’s enough
It’s just that, some days are so rough
And I wonder, am I tough enough?
I don’t know, so I lay low
Crack pipe in hand, just trying to score some blow
Slam a needle in my arm, I’m sure there’s no harm
Life sure ain’t like this back home at the farm

Here its nothing but concrete and glass
And cigarette butts
Hey sir, can I have a light? I’m not trying to start a fight, just hoping for hope that is not quite there
When I lay down to sleep, on the street, like a pile of meat, I’m greeted by the local cops, just trying to get one off
Fuck the establishment
I just wanted to establish it
Oh, and get one more hit

I’m not an addict, no, that’s a lie
But don’t judge me for trying to get high
You see me on the streets, don’t say hi or bye
Just see a piece of filth, a man in the gutter, slamming himself senseless so he can make sense of it
That’s right, you don’t know the half of it
I’ve got my pipe to make the world right, I’ve got my blow to keep in tow
I’ve got my dope, like a Pope on a rope, strapped to my side

I know where I come from, I know where I’m headed
But I don’t know where I’m at
Chasing down alley cats who dare holler at me! Just let me be
I ain’t no criminal, though I might be insane
Oh the fun had in honor of my name
Know what? I’m fucking tough enough, yeah, I am
But I don’t give a damn
I like to live life on the lam
Living the concrete life on the concrete streets
It don’t matter where I’m at
Do you doubt that?

Gone boy

Hello, are you there?
Cause I see in your eyes that you don’t care
All I’m asking is that you treat me fair
Do you dare?

Because,
I came to you in my hour of need
Looking, longing for a love between
I had to have you, don’t you see?
Abandoned, I threw myself at your mercy, made it your choice to take me or leave me
But I couldn’t just let myself be
There was no choice, no other way
I needed you that day

But – I see this now – there was something you needed too
There was something that you needed me to do
You needed a warm body by your side
You needed a person to put yourself inside
You needed to own me, even if I would die
Even better if you could make me cry
You knew I wasn’t strong enough to say goodbye

So when I asked for your love, you said yes
Let me guess
Was it because you knew all along? Did you need to make yourself feel strong?
What was it that you felt, in those days long gone?
What did you want from me, to sing you a fucking lullaby song?
Or just be a body that you could piss on

My beating heart I gave to you
My body I gave up for you
But you cursed it all
You saw me as nothing but a rag doll, while I was curled up into a ball, for you to give your all, please just let me fall, so I can heed the call, break down the wall, walk that long hall to heaven, or am I now doomed to hell?
My loving heart, you mangled
My virgin soul, you strangled
I felt betrayed, my innocence destroyed
Because while I lay there crying, lay there dying, you were with some other boy
To you I was nothing but a toy, molded by your hands into a puppet with which you could play
That was my bleeding heart you mangled that day
This toy is a real boy, but you’ll never care, you’ll never dare, to see me as a man, as an equal, oh that’s rich
You just see me as your bitch
You’d rather see me dead, hitched to a hearse that drags me into a ditch

I’ve cried all my tears
You’ve ruined so many years
Never to be lived again
Why did you beat me?
Why did you need me?
You needed a priest, to confess all your sins
All that evil you held within
Even an exorcism couldn’t rob you of the devil you possessed
You were a monster, to me and all the rest
So many souls wounded, scattered to the dark, far corners of the earth, not that it matters
No one left to show them mercy
No one left to show them love
Like me, the only solace can come from above
Where there is no God
The battle between good and evil is done, so it was said
It must have been, because you left me for dead
All those nights that I shared your bed
All for naught, just when I thought that we would be wed
Oh you played vicious games with my head

I was such a fool, late to come around
You let me down
In a high stakes game of risk
All you wanted was my dick
But I gave to you my all
My mind, my soul, my body, those things you treated like a doll
Barren, battered and abused
Because of you I was completely subdued

And I was dead inside
You lacked the decency to even bury me alive, wide eyed, watching the world pass me by
I was dying, didn’t you see?
You fucked with my head, kept me chained to that bed
Words of contempt were all I was fed
I loved you, but I couldn’t get through to you,
I was a stranger to you
You, who fucked around with so many men,
You, who beat me nightly, calling me the whore
Oh, no more
I gave you my all
I’ve paid my damn fee
Just let me be

I wasn’t the whore you said I was
No it was you who was the whore, renting me out like a pimp does
to the girls he sees as flesh, not human, just a name upon which he could claim his fame (and his fee)
As long as the clients came
As long as his girls came (oh honey, they could play that game)
He would mark his name
On each breast, sealing his ownership
Of those pieces of filth upon which he exists
Worse than him, though, you weren’t content until I was writhing in pain
Suffering the agony of the cross in silence, my body being maimed
Fuck you, oh so righteous
Putting me in my place
Throwing salt on my wounds and in my face
Cutting me open, just to see my blood
Just to enjoy that agony, just to release those black doves
To know that you made me, you saved me, you loved me, you cursed me
Oh couldn’t you see?
I just wanted to live a life that was ours
Carefree, having fun, making love under the moon and the light of the stars

I let you fuck me anytime
Because I thought you were mine
I didn’t know you had so many others
I didn’t know you’d whore me out, just like you did your mother
All the times that I felt pain
All the blood and tears shed in my name
All the times I cried out for help, just a little whelp
Suffering
Suffocating
You said I’d be fine
You used me like a whore at a five-and-dime
But, oh God, even if I could take back time, I’d still make you mine, I’d still like to dine, enjoy fine wine, pretend that our love still exists, just for a bit

But now I’m not fine, no, I’m not
But fuck it, I’m all that I’ve got
I know you don’t care whether I make it or not
But I survived without you, so go to hell
I clawed my way out from under your spell
My dignity had long ago died
But my spirit always survived
I knew I could, and I knew I would, escape you somehow, someday, some way
Your brutal fists, even in the light of day
Your cruel words, tossed out like you were pitching hay
What were you thinking,
All those times that we fought?
What were you doing with that flesh that you got?
But you couldn’t put out the fire on my heart, it burns red hot
Burning me, burning you, burning the mirage of an image that we’re not
We’re not a model couple, God help me if we are
You’re nothing but a drunk, stumbling home from the bar
This time, you’ve gone too far

How could love be so cruel?, I want to know
How come black ravens ravished the garden where red roses were supposed to grow?
You never wanted me, no, you needed me
Like a sock puppet you could play with at will
Like a whore you could abuse without regret, never paying the bill
You became a monster, not the man that I met
Back in the day, when our lives were gay, and I had my heart set

And so I gave myself
And now I’m running to save myself
Life goes on, they say, even when you’re gone
Oh I hope you’re gone
There’s room in that ditch for you too
Now you know what it’s like to kill yourself, don’t you
I hope you enjoy being six feet under, I’m not jealous of the view
See you in the life hereafter, my boo

So I will go on
And I will be strong
I don’t know if life is worth living
But I wasn’t going to die for you
I’ll find out for myself what life is all about, of that I have no doubt
I’ll think of you, but I won’t pray for you
In my heart, you’re already gone

Forsaken love

Say something
Anything, at all
I want to see your soul bare
I want you to go out on a limb, take a dare
I want to see that you care
Please, take me there

Cause I love you, I do
You love me too, don’t you?
I don’t see it in your actions
I don’t see it in your eyes
Sometimes, though, I see it in your lies
Say something
Make me come alive

I’m staying here, should I move on?
Is your love, our lives, all gone?
What went wrong?

You gave me that crack
Now you can’t take it back
We’re stuck together, baby
Stuck for all time, maybe
Oh you make me crazy

And that’s it, isn’t that so?
That I’m crazy, and you gotta go
That I’m unzipped, and I can’t sew
Who, who will hear my woes?
I’m dying, like a black rose
You’re the only one that knows

Don’t leave me
Take me back
Why do you hurt so good?
Did you take me cause you knew you could?
Not for love’s sake
Love unforsaken
What wouldn’t I give if I knew you would
Forsake me

I’ve given you my all
Here I stand, six feet tall
Trying to show you I’ve become so small
Without you, there is no Fall
No Spring, no seasons, nothing at all
Oh please, don’t make me fall

I thought we had heaven
When we actually had hell
I thought love hurt
I think I’ve been cursed
Blinded by my passion, my need, my love, you treated me the worst
Can’t you see, my love, without you I’ll burst?

I need you
Inflict that pain
I have nothing to lose, everything to gain
I won’t run, I can’t
I just want you to take me back

Say something
Anything at all
Show me you love me
Show me you care
Please, I’m begging you, take me there
My soul I’ve bared
My heart has cared
Show me you love me
Show me you care

Suffering

Sitting here, by the side of my bed, all alone
Surrounded by people
Who don’t care
Why am I the one always left out, always disregarded, always disrespected, always underappreciated?
Why am I the one thrown to the curb, knocked out, dragged down, by life?
Why am I alive?

I’m alone in a dark, dark world
Crying, every moment
Praying to be taken away
Praying to a God that doesn’t exist
No one would lay this much suffering on a person, no one should have to persist
I’m broken, ok?
Battered
Abused
Forsaken
Ready to die

I’m ready
Heaven or Hell or no afterlife at all
I don’t give a shit
I just want this one done

So when the time comes
And I’m done
Who will remember? Who will give my eulogy? What is there to say?
Another life suffered, now it’s over
Amen

City by the Bay

Put on my game face, say hello to another day
Plaster on a smile, say hey
To the man on the street, pissing his life away
Wait, that’s me, I’ve fallen a long way
All I’ve got to say
Is
Just make it another day, in the City by the Bay

Cause I’m not ok, no
Forlorn and alone
Supplicate myself to the one who knows
Cause on the other side, the grass grows
Greener
So I’ve been told

Am I too old?

Life passed me by, a train in the dark
Fuck that, I live my life on a lark
On pins and needles, dodging dogs that bark
But the one thing hurting is my heart

Where is the kid I once was?
Covered in blood

What happened to my youth?
Taken away, in a coup
My darkness overtaking my life
Dooming me to nothing but a life of strife
Of bloodshed, of dying, yeah, that’s right

I am greater than death, so it seems
To my body, I’m nothing but mean
Reflecting the world, reckless in greed
And bloodlust
Ravaging my soul, digging a hole
To throw my body in
Just another day on the dole

Death, please take me! I pray in suffering
But vengeful Death wants more suffering
Throwing myself on the floor, outside his door, supplicating
Please, end the suffering!

I’ve seen too much
Seen the secrets of death and such
Is not meant to be known to mere mortals,
I’ve seen the darkness of hell
Right where I fell
Comatose, at the place I dwell

What can I say? It’s just another fucking day
Plaster on my smile, say hey
To myself, on the streets, pissing my life away
No one left to inveigh for a better today
No one to care at all
So I fall
Drifting down to hell, I whisper the secrets that I’m not meant to tell

The grass is greener on the other side

Come with me, throw all your cares away
Far, far away
Jump, leap, dash, run, hurry the hole to hell is closing up
Don’t be a sitting duck
We are the survivors of this mortal earth
Take us down into the dirt
And cover us with green, green grass

Cause I’m not ok, no
But no one’s left to care
No one gives a damn to dare
To wish on a young boy, let his life be shared
Let his life be saved
So that you may
Count him among your blessings
One saved, today

Sweet hell
Here I come
Riding the crystal fairy down the abyss
There’s not a thing that I’ll miss
Forgive me dear world,
But you’ve done this to me
Depression, drugs, now death
What’s left?
Have you no pity, no sorrow, no fear or knowledge of what’s best?
Condemn me while waltzing away to the door
That smile plastered on my face, covering up a sophisticated whore
Dance with me
Just once more

Spun

Spun
And I’m done

I set my sights upon tomorrow
Where the world is less filled with sorrow
When the time comes that I no longer need to borrow

Cause I’ve borrowed hope, and fear, and money and drugs
Wish I had traded hugs
Cause there ain’t no love
Between ho’s and a hard place
Trust me, I’ve seen that face
Pockmarked, sallow and base
Crying for more, ain’t none to have
Crying for peace, ain’t none to find
Only when you’re blind

I’m spun
Living the high life in the clouds above
Watching the world pass me by
Hey man, at least say hi!
Cause I see you ain’t so fly
I’ve seen you when you cry
So Hey, don’t judge, don’t hold a grudge,
Don’t hate
It’s never too late

Pass me another
Hit
Yeah, that’s it
Rolling, spinning, feeling good
It’s all right in the hood
But when you’re mama comes calling
Don’t be on the floor balling
She don’t need to see her son like that
On crack
Out of whack
Scrambling for a sack
Trying to take back
Those good times, he once had
Now, it’s all turned bad
And leaving him so sad

Inject me
Perfect me
In that moment, I alone
Know the world is so forlorn
Sitting with a needle in my arm
Hoping it’ll be just the charm
To pull me back together
Cause there ain’t no other
Nothing like crack to take you back to where it’s at
The hood
Where the moonshine’s always good
Where the cow jumps over the moon
And I heat up a spoon
Brown liquid bubbling up
Filling me up
So those times when I feel stuck,
Lying in bed, lying in my head,
I can remember the rush
Forget the pain
Just remember
The perfection of injection

Spun
And I’m done

Giving (Up)

Sex is a rush, a rushing of parts and beings hurriedly, slowly now, passionately working their way to the final climax to create something beautiful and great.

Sex creates great.

That’s not what I was taught
That’s what made me slowly go insane
Sex is OK? But only for heterosexual. Only in the marriage bed. Only for the purpose of procreation. Nothing else is acceptable.

Sex is an act between two humans celebrating their love and affection for each other, to demonstrate the extent of their desire.

Sex brings us higher.

That’s not what I was taught. I taught myself that love is bad, that sex is rape, that pain must follow.

I was taught to use drugs to numb the pain, to create an artificial sense of happiness and reality.

Those drugs only changed my perception, not reality. And when I broke through, I realized all I had done was be a dirty whore among these dirty sheets with no hope of salvation.

Salvation lies at the bottom of a bottle of pills
Take them all, make them sacred, give birth to new life
At the bottle of the bottle is a glowing light, drawing you nearer, closer, dearer
This life has broken you
Made false promises to you
Used fraud to induce you
But now, you have the power
And it is that hour
To seize back time
Rejoice in time
Make love in time

We are not eternal
Fraught with the kiss of death from the moment of birth
What a curse
But no, time, it bursts
Surrounding, confounding,
Giving presence to events
Making love worthwhile
Showing the start and course of our love, and where we shall stand

Salvation is our choice to choose, our life to have
With a life of rape and suffering, I choose pills for my salvation, and ease out of this life
But with a life of love and care, I choose life, I choose life

Drugs be dammed, I’m awake now
I’m alive
I never thought this would be me
Rejoicing in the light of day
I was told, you didn’t get that if you’re gay
But now I understand
And now I have overcome
And now I will seize the day and fly away!

I have been taught many things. What matters is what I lived and learned. That, alone, is the real reason for being, and the reason to press forward when all else seems so lost.

Never, never, never, give up