Gone boy


Hello, are you there?
Cause I see in your eyes that you don’t care
All I’m asking is that you treat me fair
Do you dare?

Because,
I came to you in my hour of need
Looking, longing for a love between
I had to have you, don’t you see?
Abandoned, I threw myself at your mercy, made it your choice to take me or leave me
But I couldn’t just let myself be
There was no choice, no other way
I needed you that day

But – I see this now – there was something you needed too
There was something that you needed me to do
You needed a warm body by your side
You needed a person to put yourself inside
You needed to own me, even if I would die
Even better if you could make me cry
You knew I wasn’t strong enough to say goodbye

So when I asked for your love, you said yes
Let me guess
Was it because you knew all along? Did you need to make yourself feel strong?
What was it that you felt, in those days long gone?
What did you want from me, to sing you a fucking lullaby song?
Or just be a body that you could piss on

My beating heart I gave to you
My body I gave up for you
But you cursed it all
You saw me as nothing but a rag doll, while I was curled up into a ball, for you to give your all, please just let me fall, so I can heed the call, break down the wall, walk that long hall to heaven, or am I now doomed to hell?
My loving heart, you mangled
My virgin soul, you strangled
I felt betrayed, my innocence destroyed
Because while I lay there crying, lay there dying, you were with some other boy
To you I was nothing but a toy, molded by your hands into a puppet with which you could play
That was my bleeding heart you mangled that day
This toy is a real boy, but you’ll never care, you’ll never dare, to see me as a man, as an equal, oh that’s rich
You just see me as your bitch
You’d rather see me dead, hitched to a hearse that drags me into a ditch

I’ve cried all my tears
You’ve ruined so many years
Never to be lived again
Why did you beat me?
Why did you need me?
You needed a priest, to confess all your sins
All that evil you held within
Even an exorcism couldn’t rob you of the devil you possessed
You were a monster, to me and all the rest
So many souls wounded, scattered to the dark, far corners of the earth, not that it matters
No one left to show them mercy
No one left to show them love
Like me, the only solace can come from above
Where there is no God
The battle between good and evil is done, so it was said
It must have been, because you left me for dead
All those nights that I shared your bed
All for naught, just when I thought that we would be wed
Oh you played vicious games with my head

I was such a fool, late to come around
You let me down
In a high stakes game of risk
All you wanted was my dick
But I gave to you my all
My mind, my soul, my body, those things you treated like a doll
Barren, battered and abused
Because of you I was completely subdued

And I was dead inside
You lacked the decency to even bury me alive, wide eyed, watching the world pass me by
I was dying, didn’t you see?
You fucked with my head, kept me chained to that bed
Words of contempt were all I was fed
I loved you, but I couldn’t get through to you,
I was a stranger to you
You, who fucked around with so many men,
You, who beat me nightly, calling me the whore
Oh, no more
I gave you my all
I’ve paid my damn fee
Just let me be

I wasn’t the whore you said I was
No it was you who was the whore, renting me out like a pimp does
to the girls he sees as flesh, not human, just a name upon which he could claim his fame (and his fee)
As long as the clients came
As long as his girls came (oh honey, they could play that game)
He would mark his name
On each breast, sealing his ownership
Of those pieces of filth upon which he exists
Worse than him, though, you weren’t content until I was writhing in pain
Suffering the agony of the cross in silence, my body being maimed
Fuck you, oh so righteous
Putting me in my place
Throwing salt on my wounds and in my face
Cutting me open, just to see my blood
Just to enjoy that agony, just to release those black doves
To know that you made me, you saved me, you loved me, you cursed me
Oh couldn’t you see?
I just wanted to live a life that was ours
Carefree, having fun, making love under the moon and the light of the stars

I let you fuck me anytime
Because I thought you were mine
I didn’t know you had so many others
I didn’t know you’d whore me out, just like you did your mother
All the times that I felt pain
All the blood and tears shed in my name
All the times I cried out for help, just a little whelp
Suffering
Suffocating
You said I’d be fine
You used me like a whore at a five-and-dime
But, oh God, even if I could take back time, I’d still make you mine, I’d still like to dine, enjoy fine wine, pretend that our love still exists, just for a bit

But now I’m not fine, no, I’m not
But fuck it, I’m all that I’ve got
I know you don’t care whether I make it or not
But I survived without you, so go to hell
I clawed my way out from under your spell
My dignity had long ago died
But my spirit always survived
I knew I could, and I knew I would, escape you somehow, someday, some way
Your brutal fists, even in the light of day
Your cruel words, tossed out like you were pitching hay
What were you thinking,
All those times that we fought?
What were you doing with that flesh that you got?
But you couldn’t put out the fire on my heart, it burns red hot
Burning me, burning you, burning the mirage of an image that we’re not
We’re not a model couple, God help me if we are
You’re nothing but a drunk, stumbling home from the bar
This time, you’ve gone too far

How could love be so cruel?, I want to know
How come black ravens ravished the garden where red roses were supposed to grow?
You never wanted me, no, you needed me
Like a sock puppet you could play with at will
Like a whore you could abuse without regret, never paying the bill
You became a monster, not the man that I met
Back in the day, when our lives were gay, and I had my heart set

And so I gave myself
And now I’m running to save myself
Life goes on, they say, even when you’re gone
Oh I hope you’re gone
There’s room in that ditch for you too
Now you know what it’s like to kill yourself, don’t you
I hope you enjoy being six feet under, I’m not jealous of the view
See you in the life hereafter, my boo

So I will go on
And I will be strong
I don’t know if life is worth living
But I wasn’t going to die for you
I’ll find out for myself what life is all about, of that I have no doubt
I’ll think of you, but I won’t pray for you
In my heart, you’re already gone

Borderline Affairs Sample – “Rush”


This is a second poem included in my book “Borderline Affairs.” I will continue to release occasional samples, although I am restricted from releasing the full manuscript. If you like what you see, please consider a purchase of the paperback or ebook format on Amazon, just search for “Borderline Affairs: A Memoir.” I hope you enjoy!

———

Feel the rush
Feel the blush, of happiness
Feel spun
Feel one, with nature, with your body, with your fellow man
Feel damned

Salvation lies, it would appear, in the bottom of a bottle of pills
Feel the chill
Fed to Hell
But that Salvation was not mine to have

Where do I turn for a savior?
Where is my god?

Flicker of flame, shadows in the dark
Rolling, bowling, watching shit arc
In the glass pipe, crystal clear,
Smoking, slowly, now faster, now breathe, inhale, take in the rush
Don’t let go til you’re full
Let your mind wander, crazy, tripping
Tweaking
Poring over every detail, every line, every lie

My god, my salvation, is not in pills
It is in these rocks of glass, shattered, before me, ice, blue, chill,
These are my poison pills

And when they go down, they go down easy
Feel the rush
Just a crush
That takes me to a whole new world, spinning, soaring, up above the clouds,
So high
So fine
All that, is mine

But when the time comes, I fall,crashing, slamming my head against the rocks below, racing towards the cascading water, ready to suck me in
This is my sin

But I’ll take it, anyday, over that other life you promise, over that other God you worship, over those verses selling sin, not salvation
I’ll take my chances, thanks

I’ll take my baggie and my pipe
And the clouds surrounding me, embracing me, comforting me

Up high, there is no lie, everything is fine, and we go higher, and higher, reaching towards the sun, breathing deeply, exhaling and exalting at the bliss, oh what I wish, it all would stay forever

Keep me, I pray, in the clouds above
Feel the rush
Feel the happiness
Feel spun, at one, at peace, with yourself
This, you see, is my new love

No poison pills
Elixir of life instead
This time, better off in my head, than dead
And I sit, spinning, waiting for my rocket to come
With all this, be done
Rejoice in the sun
Where we all are becoming one

Borderline Affairs – Sample


For those of you who have not kept up with my blog over the years, I am going to repost a select few entries. Due to licensing restrictions, I am unable to repost my entire blog, but I encourage you, if you are interested, to go to Amazon and look up “Border Affairs: A Memoir,” as I have collected the posted entries and put them into book format. I would be honored by your purchase. I believe anyone suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder, or those whom are affected by it, need to know they’re not alone, that others have gone down their path, and others, such as I, have survived. The stories are traumatic, but they were my reality, and this blog was my escape. Below, I am reposting “Gone Boy,” which captures the agony of my affair both with love and drugs. Life hurts, sometimes, and sometimes it kills. I’m here to show you that no after how bad your problems, you are not alone, and there is hope. I hope you find that hope before it’s too late.

Gone Boy

Hello, are you there?
Cause I see in your eyes that you don’t care
All I’m asking is that you treat me fair
Do you dare?

Because,
I came to you in my hour of need
Looking, longing for a love between
I had to have you, don’t you see?
Abandoned, I threw myself at your mercy, made it your choice to take me or leave me
But I couldn’t just let myself be
There was no choice, no other way
I needed you that day

But – I see this now – there was something you needed too
There was something that you needed me to do
You needed a warm body by your side
You needed a person to put yourself inside
You needed to own me, even if I would die
Even better if you could make me cry
You knew I wasn’t strong enough to say goodbye

So when I asked for your love, you said yes
Let me guess
Was it because you knew all along? Did you need to make yourself feel strong?
What was it that you felt, in those days long gone?
What did you want from me, to sing you a fucking lullaby song?
Or just be a body that you could piss on

My beating heart I gave to you
My body I gave up for you
But you cursed it all
You saw me as nothing but a rag doll, while I was curled up into a ball, for you to give your all, please just let me fall, so I can heed the call, break down the wall, walk that long hall to heaven, or am I now doomed to hell?
My loving heart, you mangled
My virgin soul, you strangled
I felt betrayed, my innocence destroyed
Because while I lay there crying, lay there dying, you were with some other boy
To you I was nothing but a toy, molded by your hands into a puppet with which you could play
That was my bleeding heart you mangled that day
This toy is a real boy, but you’ll never care, you’ll never dare, to see me as a man, as an equal, oh that’s rich
You just see me as your bitch
You’d rather see me dead, hitched to a hearse that drags me into a ditch

I’ve cried all my tears
You’ve ruined so many years
Never to be lived again
Why did you beat me?
Why did you need me?
You needed a priest, to confess all your sins
All that evil you held within
Even an exorcism couldn’t rob you of the devil you possessed
You were a monster, to me and all the rest
So many souls wounded, scattered to the dark, far corners of the earth, not that it matters
No one left to show them mercy
No one left to show them love
Like me, the only solace can come from above
Where there is no God
The battle between good and evil is done, so it was said
It must have been, because you left me for dead
All those nights that I shared your bed
All for naught, just when I thought that we would be wed
Oh you played vicious games with my head

I was such a fool, late to come around
You let me down
In a high stakes game of risk
All you wanted was my dick
But I gave to you my all
My mind, my soul, my body, those things you treated like a doll
Barren, battered and abused
Because of you I was completely subdued

And I was dead inside
You lacked the decency to even bury me alive, wide eyed, watching the world pass me by
I was dying, didn’t you see?
You fucked with my head, kept me chained to that bed
Words of contempt were all I was fed
I loved you, but I couldn’t get through to you,
I was a stranger to you
You, who fucked around with so many men,
You, who beat me nightly, calling me the whore
Oh, no more
I gave you my all
I’ve paid my damn fee
Just let me be

I wasn’t the whore you said I was
No it was you who was the whore, renting me out like a pimp does
to the girls he sees as flesh, not human, just a name upon which he could claim his fame (and his fee)
As long as the clients came
As long as his girls came (oh honey, they could play that game)
He would mark his name
On each breast, sealing his ownership
Of those pieces of filth upon which he exists
Worse than him, though, you weren’t content until I was writhing in pain
Suffering the agony of the cross in silence, my body being maimed
Fuck you, oh so righteous
Putting me in my place
Throwing salt on my wounds and in my face
Cutting me open, just to see my blood
Just to enjoy that agony, just to release those black doves
To know that you made me, you saved me, you loved me, you cursed me
Oh couldn’t you see?
I just wanted to live a life that was ours
Carefree, having fun, making love under the moon and the light of the stars

I let you fuck me anytime
Because I thought you were mine
I didn’t know you had so many others
I didn’t know you’d whore me out, just like you did your mother
All the times that I felt pain
All the blood and tears shed in my name
All the times I cried out for help, just a little whelp
Suffering
Suffocating
You said I’d be fine
You used me like a whore at a five-and-dime
But, oh God, even if I could take back time, I’d still make you mine, I’d still like to dine, enjoy fine wine, pretend that our love still exists, just for a bit

But now I’m not fine, no, I’m not
But fuck it, I’m all that I’ve got
I know you don’t care whether I make it or not
But I survived without you, so go to hell
I clawed my way out from under your spell
My dignity had long ago died
But my spirit always survived
I knew I could, and I knew I would, escape you somehow, someday, some way
Your brutal fists, even in the light of day
Your cruel words, tossed out like you were pitching hay
What were you thinking,
All those times that we fought?
What were you doing with that flesh that you got?
But you couldn’t put out the fire on my heart, it burns red hot
Burning me, burning you, burning the mirage of an image that we’re not
We’re not a model couple, God help me if we are
You’re nothing but a drunk, stumbling home from the bar
This time, you’ve gone too far

How could love be so cruel?, I want to know
How come black ravens ravished the garden where red roses were supposed to grow?
You never wanted me, no, you needed me
Like a sock puppet you could play with at will
Like a whore you could abuse without regret, never paying the bill
You became a monster, not the man that I met
Back in the day, when our lives were gay, and I had my heart set

And so I gave myself
And now I’m running to save myself
Life goes on, they say, even when you’re gone
Oh I hope you’re gone
There’s room in that ditch for you too
Now you know what it’s like to kill yourself, don’t you
I hope you enjoy being six feet under, I’m not jealous of the view
See you in the life hereafter, my boo

So I will go on
And I will be strong
I don’t know if life is worth living
But I wasn’t going to die for you
I’ll find out for myself what life is all about, of that I have no doubt
I’ll think of you, but I won’t pray for you
In my heart, you’re already gone

Borderline Affairs


image

My book, Borderline Affairs, is now available on Amazon. I’d love to see it in stores – please ask your local independent bookseller to stock it!

This book, a self-published diary composed of a series of vignettes, takes the reader down an emotional, turbulent path through three years of my struggle with my diagnosis. Multiple suicide attempts, multiple overdoses, multiple doctors, multiple hospitals, multiple lives – these are the mathematics that comprised my life as a person with borderline personality disorder. The diagnosis evades definition, it can only be understood through the lens of time. That is why I offer up my diary for public consumption, so that the time line can be seen, and, perhaps, better understood.

When I was first diagnosed, and for a long period after, perhaps even to this day, I felt alone, isolated and scared. No one understood. Why would I try to kill myself? It scared people. I lost most of my friends, and making and maintaining friendships is a challenge to this day. I love too easily, but I lose too easily. There is nothing but fleeting affairs. There is no wizard behind this curtain, just a blank page on which I’m trying to write a new life.

If you or someone you know struggles with borderline personality disorder, please buy this book for yourself or for them. I struggled alone, but you don’t have to face this by yourself as well. I don’t offer hope, inspiration or cures; instead, I provide you with an element of solidarity, of compassion and of understanding. To feel alone is one of the worst feelings a person may feel. To believe you are alone is one of the scariest beliefs. But to hear from a fellow sufferer, to know you’re not alone, that can be the relief that is so desperately needed. Just knowing may be enough. I hope it can help. It would have helped me. Maybe it can help you.

If you have a copy of my book, please leave a short review on Amazon. I would sincerely appreciate the feedback. You may, of course, also contact me directly at rehn.kirk@gmail.com or by replying to this post. I take all comments very seriously and am open to any discussions.

Borderline Affairs is free for Kindle Unlimited subscribers. A portion of the book has also been made available free of charge through the “preview” option on Amazon. Book pricing is, I believe, quite reasonable, and the book is available in ebook or paperback format to fit your needs and/or your budget. Please consider a purchase if you enjoy the material. Your purchase helps me reach out to local groups and therapists that could benefit. I would be honored if you would also share this with your local support groups.

I strive always to be a better version of who I am. For so long I struggled to be someone else, someone that others would like. I lost myself in the process. I still don’t know who I am, but I know it’s time to find me, for me, and not be the person that changes in each situation, but that is stable, respectable and likeable for me, for who I truly am and for the values I truly hold.

It is with great humility and gratitude that I present my diary to the public. My only hope is that someone, somewhere, at some point in time, will find this book and decide that suicide isn’t necessary, that others have felt what they feel and that survival is an option. It is for that person that this book was published. May you find happiness and joy as you stumble through this journey we call life.

Cheers,

Kirk Rehn

Funding, Pt II


I need your assistance in making this project a reality. I have sold a small number of books already, which is good news. I also have been shown over 12k times on Google’s AdWords network, with several hundred clicks. These clicks cost me money, and they’re not necessarily translating into immediate sales. I’ve done marketing before, and I know it takes money to make money. I’m not here to make money. I’m here to reach an audience that needs to hear they’re not alone, that their struggles aren’t in vain, that suicide isn’t the only way out. It, apparently, takes money for this purpose too. So, unfortunately, I’m going to keep asking for donations until I decide that I have enough to proceed or I give up and realize that no one cares. Please tell me this has not all been in vain. Remember, there’s prizes attached to the donations, so check them out! You can donate here or you can purchase the book here. Every dollar goes a long way. Do the right thing, not just for me, but for the mental health community, and help provide a valuable resource to the neediest of patients.

With love and gratitude,

Kirk

image

Book cover

Funding

Status


Guys, I need your help to make this project a reality. I have started a gofundme account to help offset marketing costs. In particular, this money will be used to buy Google AdWords impressions, postage and printing foresters to booksellers, flyers, business cards and the upfront costs of supplying consignment copies. I strongly believe that thirty is a niche market of borderline sufferers desperate for inspiration and hope from fellow sufferers, not just a clinical perspective. I especially believe that many mental health practitioners could benefit from the inside knowledge. Too many borderline cases go undiagnosed, and those that are often go under treated, often due to stigma and lack of knowledge. I can help stem that problem, with your assistance. Please donate today at gofundme with any amount you can afford. Lives depend on it. With a donation at or above $35.00 I am supplying a complimentary signed paperback copy of my book as a token of appreciation.

Please consider a donation in any amount today so I can continue marketing my book and come ever closer to reaching my target market. I know you and I, together, can save lives. Let’s make that a reality.

http://www.gofund.me/borderline

GoFundMe


Hey guys, I need some help in marketing my work. I strongly believe there is a niche market for books on borderline personality disorder – in fact, up to 8% of the US population has the disorder, although most go undiagnosed. I want to reach this market and let my fellow sufferers know they are not alone. My story is that of survival, despite all odds.

Please consider contributing any amount at gofundme. I am using this money to promote my work using Google AdWords, to send consignment copies to local retailers and booksellers, to pay for flyers and other promotional material and to pay for postage. It is critically important that you help at this early stage in order to make this dream a reality!

As a bonus, anyone who contributes $35.00 or more will receive a free, signed copy of my paperback version of the book.

Once again, you can donate at gofund.me/borderline. Save a life today with the help of your contributions!