Now available!

Hey loyal readers (and some not-so-loyal ones), I did it! I published my blog, revised, edited and updated, in ebook format and print edition. The ebook format is available NOW at Amazon. The print edition will be linked up shortly, check back if you’re interested. While I realize much of the book is drawn from my free blog entries, there is new and revised content, and for a couple bucks you can show your support, not just for me, but for people everywhere suffering from borderline personality, depression, addiction, and those actively suicidal. These are the people that need to see they’re not alone. If your loved ones, family, relatives or friends, or just that strange girl in class, are suffering from similar problems, please take the opportunity to read my book. I don’t offer any advice, I don’t even offer any hope.. But I do offer a much needed perspective: a first-person account. Too many people struggle alone. Too many think suicide is the only option. Too many turn to drugs to drown out their problems. I know, because when I searched for support when I was first diagnosed, there was none to be had. Borderline personality may well be the ultimate silent killer…. Not all signs are visible, until suicide occurs, and everyone wonders why that happened. When I was diagnosed, at 25, I was told most people with borderline personality don’t live past 30. It’s not because the disease is terminal. It’s because the suicide rate is so high, and the proportion of attempts that result in actual death are higher than for any other recognized disease. Worse, many more suicides are committed out of anger, to “get back” at someone, to “make them hurt.” I should know. Some of my most lethal attempts were not when I actually wanted to end my life; instead, they occurred when I was angry at how someone treated me, and I wanted revenge. What better way to get back at someone than to say their actions caused death? What better way than to force them to live their lives knowing they’ve effectively committed murder? The allure of suicidality is strong, and it remains strong in me to this day. If you suffer with borderline personality, I know your pain. Doctors, as much as they care, don’t really know. And certainly no one seems understands. So you need to know that, despite your differences from those around you, there are others living your life, sharing your struggles, and they actually understand you, your thoughts and why you do what you do. It’s no surprise that drug use is rampant in the community. It’s no surprise that the suicide rate is so high. People in pain will do anything to alleviate it. This isn’t the kind of pain for which painkillers work. What’s needed is to cauterize a few emotions and excise a few demons. Only drugs and death can do that.

But I’ve survived, despite all odds. I’m 31 now. I made it farther than anyone thought I would. And I’m still going. I still suffer, I still fear abandonment, I still lash out at others who are simply trying to help, I still abuse drugs and I’m still actively suicidal…. But I’m alive, and some days, that’s a real blessing, to have suffered so much but lived on to see the beauty in some of the simolest things, breathe the fresh air, and know that the struggle is not in vain. Someday, I hope to actually want to live,  not just be propelled along like a piece of broken down machinery. Until then, I find joy in small things, little reasons to be alive, and I hope and know that list will keep on growing until I see beauty everywhere. Borderline see only black and white. I’m learning to see shades of grey. Someday, I hope I can see color. I know it will be beautiful.

In this book, as in my blog, I offer no judgment for any life choices. Many of you may have been judged for who you are and what you do. Take comfort in this book, knowing that I won’t judge. I hope you write to me, I’m keeping this blog active, I want to know if anyone finds comfort in hearing their story told by another, in hearing their unique problems aren’t so unique. I don’t support twelve step groups, but I can’t understate the importance of knowing there are others like you. I remember when I first found that out, at a Crystal Meth Anonymous meeting. Like I said, I don’t support the AA group of programs, but, for the first time in my entire life, I heard someone, and then someone else, and then yet another, tell a story that matched mine so exactly, it really creeped me out. I broke down and cried in that meeting. There’s nothing more isolating and terrifying than feeling like your experiences are unique. While we are all unique people, we share certain common experiences, and respond in similar ways to similar stressors. I was ready to die because no one understood. Then, I found people that did, and suddenly I didn’t need to die anymore. It’s not so simple as that, but it is as simple as sharing your story and hoping it falls on the ears of someone in desperate need of support, someone so isolated, someone so abandoned, that drugs and death are the only way out. Like I said, I’m not offering much hope in this book,  but there is underlying hope, that despite my suicide attempts, despite my drug addictions, despite my homelessness, I survived. And you can too. Please, for my sake, please do survive. Only time will tell whether survival is worth it, but if you die you’ve cut short the opportunity to discover life’s beauty. I know it exists. Together, we can find it.

Please support me and my fellow sufferers, family and caretakers of sufferers, and their friends… Discover for yourself what it’s like inside the mind of borderline personality, and maybe you’ll find some nugget of hope, or wisdom, or understanding, that just may save a life.

The ebook is priced at $3.49, the paperback print version will be priced at $9.99. I did my own cover art, that alone is worth the price!

I need to know that my sacrifices, my efforts over the years have not gone in vain. I appreciate your purchase and I welcome your comments or questions. I’m here for you. I believe in you. You’re worth it.



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