Two quick questions, the first geared towards the lovely people that have taken the time to read any portion of my book, and the second is a general question for anyone to answer. Please respond via the Comments section, and please share!

  1. Which theme/topic that was discussed in my memoirs did you feel you could relate to the most? For instance, depression, schizophrenia, borderline personality, drug abuse, etc. The book covers a wide range of topics, and I want to know (partly for advertising reasons, partly for reasons I’ll disclose below) what stands out as you read it, what resonates with you, what compels you to read the next entry, or, be honest, what entry or entries made you not want to read further? Why or why not? I don’t need a 5 paragraph essay response, just a few notes as to what, perhaps, inspired you, or helped you, or even what turned you on or off to the book as a whole.
  2. I am in the process of marketing and advertising my book, something I have been casually doing over the course of the past few months, but haven’t had time or money to seriously handle. Given the above question, assume that, for instance, I was invited to do an author reading. What piece stands out the most, is most representative, or speaks to you the most? If you could pick one entry, or one theme, what would it be? What interests you about this book? If you haven’t read it, what would make you want to read it? And, most importantly, if I started a GoFundMe account to raise a small amount of cash for advertising purposes, using feedback from these questions to identify and target my audience, would anyone consider donating? “Consider” does not mean “definitely yes,” I just want a sense of what my financial options are, since that is a major constraint for me right now.
  3. Ok, I’ll finally tell you what you’ve been waiting to hear. I’m contemplating writing a second book, but I haven’t decided on the content type. I think the memoir speaks for itself, and covers the major points of my transitional period in life (does that ever end?). I don’t particularly like fiction, and, really, I am still trying to target the persons that are diagnosed with borderline personality, and show how weaknesses can be turned into strengths, how world views, so often at odds with the way “the rest of the world” sees things, are¬†actually special and unique, but that the “truth” is just a matter of perception, and learning to change that perception helps to form an idea of reality more in line with the ways others think. Which, I would like to clarify, is not to suggest that BPD patients think “wrongly,” or need to change to satisfy others. I do think, however, from my own personal experiences, that what I see and what others see are so radically different that the fact I have friends at all is somewhat miraculous, because I don’t understand their actions anymore than they understand mine. One thing I do not want to do, period, is write a “self-help” therapy book. I think BPD patients need support, I think professional therapists (psychologists and/or psychiatrists, not lesser-trained professionals) are often, if not always, necessary to help the BPD patient reframe their world view, and I think that learning coping mechanisms, through whatever learning method suits them best, is vital to surviving this devastating illness. But I am not a professional, nor do I want to provide advice. I’m not an advice columnist, and the world should be thankful for that. I want to write a book that openly admits that BPD is rough, a lot of the time, but that sometimes the most beautiful things can come out of the roughest situations. That’s much rosier of a picture than I’d prefer to paint, but the general idea is there. Now, enough said. If I were to write a “sequel” of sorts, but not a journal-style sequel, what themes would you like to see explored? What circumstances have come up in your lives that made you feel alone and unwanted? I know those feelings, and I know they’re not true. And I want to write a book that is non-clinical, non-self-help, non-judgmental, non-confrontational, just a book that describes what so many BPD patients feel, without necessarily offering solutions, but offering hope nonetheless, in the sense that the suffering is not so unique that no one else in the world could understand. I want you to know that I understand, that I’ve been there, that, yes, your experience is unique, but your feelings and attitudes are not, and I can show you that, just maybe, your experience is similar to mine, in some way, that hopelessness, helplessness and suicidality are not the only routes available. But I want to recognize that, for many, those feelings are their reality, they were my reality, I know all too well how that feels. So, what format would you find yourself most likely to pick up and browse through? A chapter-by-chapter review of the themes brought in my memoir, i.e., a chapter on homelessness, a chapter on addiction, a chapter on suicidality, a chapter on …. etc. I need some inspiration, I’m itching to write but the blank pages are killing me!

I love all of you for reading this post all the way through, and especially those of you who have followed me through the years, and those who have shown their support by purchasing my book. It means the world to me that I can give the world a window into what BPD is like. I’m reaching out to you now for comments, criticism, support and ideas, and I hope I get some feedback in response. Thank you in advance!

Today, a brief story

Once again I’m playing around with my meds. Unsupervised. No overdoses yet, but the groundwork is getting set.

In my eternal quest for energy, i currently take Ritalin three times daily. I have also previously been prescribed Provigil. As much as I wanted Provigil to work, it just failed to give me physical energy (I was mentally alert though). Despite my history of drug and alcohol abuse, my doctor, a physician with the Harm Reduction Center, prescribed Ritalin to combat the fatigue. Technically, i take Concerta, the long acting formulation, because it is less easily abused.

Today, I wanted to get rid of the fog and lethargy, so i took both Provigil and Ritalin. Within 20 minutes I was sweating like a whore in church, stomach in knots and heart pounding, making me dizzy and nauseous. The cloud in which I was operating became more intense and fuzzy than before. I managed to make it to work, but they took one look at me and sent me back to where I came from.

I am truly disappointed that this apparently toxic combination did not work out. The Ritalin doesn’t chase the fog away, and the Provigil simply doesn’t give me energy. Anyone have some thoughts on meds to try for energy?

I am absolutely blessed with city-funded healthcare, for which I currently do not pay a dime. With Special coverage under the separate Mental Health Plan, reserved for the city’s problem cases, I get free therapy, no-cost psychiatry appointments and no-copay medications. I just wanted to send a big thank you to the city at this moment for taking me in, feeding me, providing shelter, and providing the means to not just live but to get ahead in life. I currently take around 20 different medications each day, some costing several thousand per month, which I could not afford if this were a regular insurance plan or if I had to pay out of pocket. The city has given me new life. Now just don’t mess it up.